BLOTS

Nagulat ako nung nakita ko yung laman ng ATM ko kanina. Nakuha ko na yung 13 th month pay ko kaya di ko inaasahan na ganun ang makukuha ko. Siya agad yung pumasok sa isip ko, tinext ko agad siya… “Wow! Dinner tayo, treat ko…” “Di ako pwede, sorry…” Wasted. Frustrated. Turned down. Rejected. Ilang sandali ko din tinitigan yung malulutong na paper bills na galing sa machine, iniisip ko kung anong gagawin. Naiinis ako. May panggastos ako, pero di ko pa rin magawa yung gusto ko. Naisip ko tuloy, sana pera-pera na lang ang lahat, sana kahit kaligayahan pwedeng bilhin ng pera…back to reality. Pumunta ako sa mall, bumili ako ng libro, isang Sidney Sheldon, isang Stephen King at ang pinakagusto ko, isang Robert “Bob” Fulghum book. Lahat hardbound, wala akong pakialam kahit mahal. From bookstore I went to American Blvd , sa Pilipinas pa din yun, store yun ng damit, you know. Bumili ako ng shirt, shit, naisasanla ba yung mga damit dun

Nagulat ako nung nakita ko yung laman ng ATM ko kanina. Nakuha ko na yung 13 th month pay ko kaya di ko inaasahan na ganun ang makukuha ko. Siya agad yung pumasok sa isip ko, tinext ko agad siya… “Wow! Dinner tayo, treat ko…” “Di ako pwede, sorry…” Wasted. Frustrated. Turned down. Rejected. Ilang sandali ko din tinitigan yung malulutong na paper bills na galing sa machine, iniisip ko kung anong gagawin. Naiinis ako. May panggastos ako, pero di ko pa rin magawa yung gusto ko. Naisip ko tuloy, sana pera-pera na lang ang lahat, sana kahit kaligayahan pwedeng bilhin ng pera…back to reality. Pumunta ako sa mall, bumili ako ng libro, isang Sidney Sheldon, isang Stephen King at ang pinakagusto ko, isang Robert “Bob” Fulghum book. Lahat hardbound, wala akong pakialam kahit mahal. From bookstore I went to American Blvd , sa Pilipinas pa din yun, store yun ng damit, you know. Bumili ako ng shirt, shit, naisasanla ba yung mga damit dun

Di ko alam kung ano nang nangyayari, nabibigla ako sa mga bagay bagay na dumadating, bigla na lang siyang nanahimik, di namansin at di man lang ako nabati ng Merry Christmas. Noong isang gabi lang ang lapit lapit niya sakin, I had her in my arms but now it seems she's someone my freaking heart wont ever reach. Di ko na alam kung anong nangyayari at ano pa ang mangyayari sa mga susunod na araw pero ito lang ang alam ko: maraming beses ko na siyang sinubukang kalimutan pero sa bandang huli, siya pa rin ang hinahanap ko. Malamang mamayang gabi di na naman ako makakatulog dahil sa pagiisip sa kanya, kung bakit nananahimik siya ngayon... bakit bigla bigla na namang nagbago... magiisip na naman ako at malamang lolokohin ang sarili na ayos lang ang lahat, na walang dapat ipagalala, na praning lang ako. Mamayang gabi, babangungutin na naman ako... habang gising. Bukas--bukas magbabago ang lahat, sigurado ako dahil ngayong gabi nalaman ko na sa sarili ko kung ano talaga ang gusto ko,

I wish to seize every moment you’re locked in my arms Knowing it’s only with you my heart will feel such warmth You know that I love you; I loved you from the start May times I let you go but perhaps you really bear a place in my heart Now that you’re with me, I’ll let you go no more I’ll surmount every hindrance just to have you the way I had you before Here, locked in my arms, watching you sleep like a child I vow to keep you safe for as long as you’re by myside Maybe you don’t love me; you didn’t love me at all But I’m decided to wait for your love till I finally hear you call A call reaching my soul in solitude from you heart Saying that we can now share a love that which, from us, will never part

I never thought that I can love the way I loved you but hey, things will not always go our ways. Love to bliss, to heaven shot back to Hell. Now, after all the pretensions that I am fine without you, you can easily say that I am down but I know, one day I will forget you. I will no longer think about you, where you are, what are you doing, who are you with… everything! You will just be an insignificant part of my past even if the lessons you thought me, along with all the pain, will scar me a lifetime. One day the love I felt for you will be gone… and I will just laugh my ass out whenever I remember that one point of my life I was deceived by your touch, your embrace, your kiss. Love, passion and even lust will just be part of my past. I’m alive before I met you so there’s no point in saying that I can’t live without you, though I feel life will be more wonderful with you. I’ll forget you, I’ll remove every trace of affection I have with you… I just don’t know when but…

Nawala ang lungkot at pangungulila na nararamdaman ko noong nagdesisyon akong ipagwalang bahala ang anumang emosyon kabilang na ang tuwa, galit, takot at iba pa. Oo nga at hindi ako malungkot subalit hindi pala ako makukuntento sa ganon; gusto ko ring sumaya. Paano? Wala akong ideya kaya nagdesisyon nalang ako na hiramin ito mula sayo. Hhiramin ko ang kaligayahan na sayo ko lang nararamdaman-ang klase ng kaligayahan na marahil ay hindi magiging sa akin. Salamat. Salamat sa oras na ibinigay mo sa akin noong gabing iyon. Natuwa akong tumingin-tingin ng mga laruan sa Toy Kingdom , pakiramdam ko bumalik ako sa pagkabata kahit sandali lang. Fried chicken, pizza, pasta, potatao chips at garlic bread ay hindi na rin masama para sa isang hapunan. Isang tila perpektong kaligayahan ang naramdaman ko. Hanggat’t maari ay hindi kita tinginan dahil gusto kong maramdaman na nandito ka hindi lang dahil sa nakikita ng mga mata ko na nasa tabi kita, kundi dahil nararamdaman ng pu

I was hoping to write... anything... poem, journal, essay or whatever in text but darn, I feel emptiness got the hell out of me right now, hehehe! With that, just let me share you this photographs, perhaps these photos can somehow express what/who am I thinking right now, LOL!

It happened only once. I had one, and just one, golden opportunity to lay eyes on her-she whom I’ve been dying to see all along. One year and seven months, I waited that long to realize that single dream of standing next to her and when I finally did more than a week ago, I must admit that I almost lost my sanity(what’s new? Hehehe!) What’s next? What lies ahead after that “Most Wonderful Five Minutes”? I don’t know actually. I’m not sure if I’ll ever see her again or at least have the guts to work for it. I don’t even know if she was able to read my post “Most Wonderful Five Minutes”, and if she did, I don’t know what she thinks of me now. Most times I feel like holding back especially when it comes to my emotions. I can tell that life will be such a wonderful thing if I’ll get the chance to live it with her ‘cause I’ve seen several scenarios of that in my dreams, I just don’t know if it it’s possible to shoot those dreams from dreamland onto the real world. It’s been few days

Fnally, there she was… standing in front of me as I reluctantly stare back at her eyes. I actually never thought this day will come. I never expected that there will be a day when I will see her beyond the realm most of us call “dreams”. Yes, she has been my dream girl; literally. For the longest time of my life I longed to meet her, stand next to her, have a little conversation(in person) and so on, and so on but due to the bad blood I had with her friends, those longings of mine turned so illusive, but hey, reality is indeed more twisted than fiction. “Who is she?”- you may ask. Well, she’s my schoolmate in college, though we really never met in person. We were both members of an online community dedicated for PUPians (students of PUP, yeah right). She’s a virtual friend, an online confidant, a dream girl (literally, as I said) and most especially, an inspiration. Upon seeing her my heart almost popped off my chest, I managed to stay composed thoug

Embraced by silence Concealed by night Thoughts are sober Emotions are clutched tight It won’t go Words won’t be spoken Love will remain unknown Fruitful hearts will look barren There was you There was only you In an empty space Sky turned blue There was you There was but you And this love I keep Though we both knew Embraced by silence Concealed by night Thoughts are all over Wishing to hold you tight it's been a long while since the last time a wrote something like this... perhaps I'm a little bit rusty now, hehehe!

Giving… giving without taking…without expecting…sometimes we tend to give and give, give and give, and give and give more… usually when it comes to loving someone. Shit Yes, I know sometimes it’s so shitty especially when we stopped being appreciated. It’s ok not to be loved in return, yes, that would be fine and we can still keep on going for as long as we feel appreciated but what happens when you stopped being so? What happens when you realized that you’ve been used all along? Self-esteem booster? That’s bulldung. I quit. I quit.

1am-9am —yan ang shift ko sa work ko ngayon sa ICT, hehehe! Ok lang, kasi para saan pa ang nagtrabaho ka sa call center kung di ka rin naman mapupunta sa graveyard shift? Well, sinubukan ko lang naman talaga tong field na to and so far, so good. Wala pa akong nagiging problema na pwedeng magtulak sakin na umalis sa ICT. Mabait mga tao dito…well, most of them, hehehe! Wala akong problema sa mga co-workers ko at maging sa mga superiors…lalo na sa mga QA, hehehe! Masaya din pala dito, oo masaya talaga. We’re calling for an outbound account kaya definitely graveyard talaga ang shift at walang dayshift, asa pa, pero wala akong reklamo sa graveyard shift…promise. As I said, masaya ako dito ngayon, masayang masaya, hehehe! Ngayon lang ulit ako nagkaroon ng bagong tropa (sumalangit nawa yung mga nauna kong tropa…patay na ata eh, hehehe!) Cool naman sila eh, maingay, buhay na buhay at higit sa lahat, marunong makisama. Ano pa ba? Naku, all of a sudden bigla akong nablanko,

Haay, now I'm congratulating myself, I'm now a full blown stupid idiot. Die David, die! Ewan ko ba kung bakit ganito...naiinis ako, naiinis talaga, inis na inis! 12mn-9am ang duty ko kanina sa work pero sa halip na umuwi at bumawi ng tulog, tumuloy ako sa workplace niya... di ko din alam kung bakit, siguro I just felt the want to see her. I waited for FIVE HOURS, yes 5 freaking hours. Di naman nasayang yung paghihintay na yun kasi nakita ko naman siya, like before; nakasama...nakausap...niyaya pa nga niya ako maglaro ng badminton. Hindi nasayang yung paghihintay ko...yun ang akala ko. Dumating na yung time na kinatatakutan ko-ang sampalin ng realidad. Sa gitna ng pag-uusap namin isang lalake ang dumating, she then said, “Oh hi baby” then the kissed. Shit! Shit! At isa pang shit! Nanlamig yung buong katawan ko. Gusto kong isuka yung puso ko na biglang nadoble yung bilis ng tibok. Shit! Shit! At isa pang shit! Panandalian akong natigilan yet I di

a picture paints a thousand words

Bakit kaya ganun? May mga bagay na kahit alam nating di naman magtatagal e gusto pa din natin, sumusugal pa din tayo, di natin iniisip yung mga posibleng mangyari pagkatapos nun dahil sa isang simpleng dahilan-gusto natin maging masaya. Kasama ko siya kanina, oo, kanina. May dahilan yung kung bakit ako nakipagkita sa kanya, alam ko kasing isa siya sa matinong makakausap tungkol sa ilang issues na meron ako ngayon at di nga ako nagkamali. Oo, may dahilan kung bakit ako nakipagkita sa kanya…pero yun nga ba ang dahilan kung bakit ako nakipagkita? Tanong ko yan sa sarili ko ngayon, gusto ko kasing maintindihan tong sarili ko. Di nga kaya ako mismo ang naghahanap o gumagawa ng dahilan para Makita siya? Possible. Sabi ko kanina bago kami maghiwalay, “baka di na tayo ulit magkita, may work na ako sa Monday” sagot niya, “ang lapit lapit lang ng workplace mo dito ano ka ba?” Next time-siguro nga marami pa talagang next time…mga next time na malamang ay gagawan ko ng paraan para mangyari, mg

in spirit of blogging, hayaan niyo akong ikwento to, hehehe!maaga akong nagising kasi may lakad ako pero salamat na lang sa malakas na ulan ay muntik na akong di matuloy, buti na lang at huminto nung bandang 11am at sa wakas ay nakaalis din ako.sa shang ako pumunta nun, para makipag meet lang sa isang kakilala ng nanay ko; ako ang dakilang representative, hehehe! pasado ala una nang matapos yung commitment ko, oo, ambilis talaga! wala akong mapuntahan kaya naman naisip kong dumaan sa annex@shaw, nandun kasi yung, ehem, kaibigan ko, hehehe! sa ground floor ng building e may mini stop kaya dun muna ako tumuloy at lumagok ng C2 lychee flavor(na di masarap, yuck)dun na rin ako nagtext: ako: ****, nakauwi knb? d2 aq ministop. gling aq shang e kya naicp q n dumaan d2, bka lng d kp nkuwi, chikhan muna tau, hehehe! siya: teka! pababa na ako. ako: okie ok, ang cool nun, di ko inaasahan na makakapagreply siya but she did. ilang minuto akong naghinay

Ehem, I received this message from a...friend. By some mischief of fate, we just might fall in love once--and only once. you know, that one great love old folks refer to. Many lovers may become part of our lives but there is only one person, with that one smile, one kiss, one hug and one moment, that our hearts will never replace but sadly, that person is usually the one who goes away. That's why after all the chips are down, we know, we just know...we'll never fall in love again...

Farewell, the love I know True masters know when to concede For now I really can tell You’re the one I can’t be with Farewell, the love I know My tears have ran dry It’s time to pick up the pieces Of whatever’s left behind All my sorrow, all my fears One day they’ll be gone Now that my love and hope Have slipped off my hands No more lying cold and awake Enough of broken nights My soul has grown tired Crawling in the dark searching for light So I say farewell to you, love I know You’re someone I won’t forget Stare at me with your brown eyes I’ll say I loved you without regrets

May mga tao talagang conceited... My message sent last February 15: Hi (bleep), kamusta ka na? medyo matagal na rin, sobrang tagal. ano nga palang balita? nakapagexam ka ba last october o sa may ka pa kukuha ng exam? alam ko naman na kaya mo yan. alam mo galing ako sa pup noong isang araw. ang dami nang nagbago lalo na sa 5th floor. alam mo ba may grills na yung mga bintana ng mga rooms, at may pup logo pa, ang galing nga eh. nakakatuwa din yung mga students na naka-uniform, buti na lang di natin inabot yun, hehehe! sina ahmmel at pelayo, wala na akong balita sa kanila, wala lang nasabi ko lang. ikaw? ano nang ginagawa mo ngayon? ako work, di ko na rin tinapos yung accounting ko, nawala na rin kasi yung interes ko, magpapalit ako ng course, ComSci pro'ly. preparatory yun sa business na gusto kong simulan in the near future eh. teka, nagulat ka ba kung bakit ako nagpadala ng message sayo? wala lang, ang totoo kasi kagabi napanaginipan ko kayo kagabi. sige, ingat na lang pal

Yan ang tanong ko sa sarili ko, matagal na rin simula noong araw na pinili niyang lumayo, mainit daw yung sitwasyon noong mga panahon na yun. Inisip ko na babalik siya, naniwala ako na babalik siya; isa kasi siya sa mga taong pinapahalagahan ko, taong minamahal, kaya lang simula noong araw na yun, tila nawala na rin yung magandang pinagsamahan namin. Sa Sabado, birthday ko na. Masaya dapat ako eh, oo masaya naman talaga ako pero parang may kulang lang talaga...parang lang naman. Kung mabasa niya to gusto ko lang sabihin sa kanya, "bumalik ka na, please."

Morning has come but I refuse to see the light After all, what’s good in morning if you’re out of sight? Round and round I go trying to ignore the pain Yearning to feel numb but in the end I still feel the same Going insane over your love that I never had Rapid loss of sane thoughts brought me down so bad Amid this hurting I tried to remain composed though Cause one day I still believe that this misery will go Every single night I pray for you to be back Holding back my tears hoping this ground won’t crack Your brown eyes, I hope it’ll look deep into mine And then you’ll say, “Let’s make up for the wasted time.” Lucid thoughts from an insane mind is what I got Undying devotion as well behind these words that I jot Not to mention this love I still feel for you Give me just one more chance to prove that this is true

Kung babatiin ko siya ng Happy Fathers’ Day ay malamang tatanungin niya ako kung bakit ngayon lang. Yan ang nasa utak ko kaya naman sa tuwing haharap ako sa puntod niya ay hindi ko siya magawang batiin kahit sa isip lang. Pero bakit nga ba ngayon lang? Bakit hindi noong mga panahon na gumigising siya ng madaling araw para ihanda ang mga kakailanganin ko sa eskwela, noong mga panahon na halos makuba siya sa paghahanapbuhay maibigay lang ang mga pangangailangan ko, noong mga panahong iniligtas niya ako mula sa galit ni Nanay, noong mga panahong inaaliw niya ako sa mga kwento niya, noong panahon na nabubuhay pa siya? Malalaman mo lang ang halaga ng isang tao sa oras na mawala siya sa’yo. Pinaniniwalaan yan ng marami subalit hindi ako. Alam ko ang halaga niya sa akin. Isang bagay lang ang hindi sumagi sa mura kong isipan noon at iyon ang katotohanan na kahit anong oras ay maari siyang agawin ng kamtayan. Hindi ko pala hawak ang pagkakataon. Biglaan ang naging pagpanaw

I made this Friendster comment for a...friend Let me begin by saying once upon a time When yours truly lives without passion for rhyme In a land of thousand dreamers of warm sunshine There lived a girl so gorgeous and fine Each and everytime I see her walk into the room In her steps I can picture flowers as they bloom Quite more magnificent than the stars and the moon She’s the promise of darkness that dawn is breaking soon Surrounded by haters but still she’s loved the most A flawless art of dethorning the rose She’s the inspiration behind the poems poets composed Poets drown in love and so called bliss overdose How she touched lives is still a mystery unrevealed The only thing known is she got vain hearts filled Just a spark of her smile could be the only one you’ll need To break away from sadness and pro’ly get by with Her charm can meld adamant hearts like butter One minute you’re mesmerized, next minute you’re falling further Sitting with a childish g

According to the book I just read, a writer don’t really need an inspiration to compose. I exclaimed, “Ha! That’s so not me!” I’m a writer (I think) and behind every piece that I write lies an inspiration. I love writing, especially poetry. Though I’m not really that good, I still love that hobby and yes, I’m just a hobbyist not a pro. There’s just something about poetry writing that makes me feel complete. At first it was just an outlet but after documenting 500+ poems, I won’t mind saying that poetry writing has been a passion for me but of course, an inspiration is a must-have. Well, that lead me to this story: Lately, that passion I gabbed about faded. I don’t know, maybe because of this bitterness I had for this girl who has been (and still) special but eventually a possible happy ending slipped away. To make it simple, the freak fell in love and got hurt (again). I stared away from my stationeries the same manner I looked away from, ehem, love.

That's it ;)

Iiiyak ako, iiyak ako maghapon magdamag! Sino ba kasi yung kasama mong yun sa picture?

"Itigil mo na yung nararamdaman mo sakin, kung meron man... tumahimik muna tayo... paalam na muna sa ngayon, kaibigan..." Sana pinatay mo na lang ako, parang parehas din naman ang epekto eh!

"Goodbye for now, my friend. Thanks for everything " Those words seem to echoed hell last night. There were times we opt to hold on for someone special to us. Sometimes we would rather take all the same just to be with her or him somehow but what happens when that person will be the one to say goodbye? Maybe the road that leads to that person will suddenly branch into three; first, you let go and pray for her to be back, second, you hold on tighter just for her not to go and third, you’ll forget her totally. I made my choice. I already did.

I had a post last time entitled "Getting by with my boobtube" where I told a story on how Lee Young-Ae of Jewel in the Palace helped me get through each passing day that I've been missing a friend. Well, unfortunately, the encore run of Jewel in the Palace ended just last Friday. I think it's safe to say now that my boobtube won't help me any longer. :(

They say I can’t love you, they say this ain’t love, but I couldn’t care much. Who are they anyway ? But when you said this is just infatuation, when you said this ain’t real, it honestly hurts. It stings my heart; Bore a hole, Because your thoughts matter- much if not most So if I can’t love you then let me just say… I’m longing for you, wanting to be close. You’ve the girl I dream about most. It’s always you in my mind- day to night, night to every new day. on and on on and on I would trade every luxury for one glimpse from you, to notice me, to see I’m here, waiting, hoping, praying. They say fantasises are for kids but you’re my sole fairy tale- a fairy tale dream with a happy ending on hand This isn’t love, is it? Perhaps you’re right, maybe I’m wrong But in this twisted world where reality’s stranger than fiction, certainty is nothing So what if… I’m the one who’s right and you’re the one who’s wrong ? Would that mean I love you? Will you believe me now that noone unders

We were young then Young love I may say We chill, we ablaze Memories… sweet old memories But I was a freak A stupid freak You made me smile But I betrayed you and make you cry I was wrong- damn wrong I wanna say I’m sorry Because I am But will you hear me? Will you hear me from up there? You’re gone Gone for good It’s too late… to say I’m sorry I never thought you’ll leave so soon Why so soon? Tell me! Tell me! I could’ve love you Give you the attention you deserve All along I’m sorry I’m sorry, can you hear me? I know this grief won’t bring you back I know you won’t be back You’re gone… for good. I’m a moron… a stupid idiotic moron. Why didn't I know what I got till it’s gone? Forgive me. Forgive me. I know it’s too late But somehow, I hope you’ll wait. I’ll be with you. I hope to be with you… one day. As I look up I almost see you looking down. Smile back at me Now, Heaven’s not the same Because they got you… for good.

Mournful as a mother’s grief, silent as a forgotten grave Amid all the aches, is there a chance for a heart to be saved? Rescue this heart, emancipate it from seclusion Your eyes can see thru my core and melt away all the tensions Gently, like a morning breeze, soothe me Relinquish these breaks me constantly Along with my dreams, come true, be real Cause there’s a love in me I would love you to feel Ever undying devotion is what my heart beats for High as the clouds, to scream your name, I’ll soar Yearning to be heard, wanting to be close Asking why must we be apart to the one we love the most Longing, yes, there is but longing in these nostalgic eyes Undo the breaking and be with me, perhaps it would be nice Next to impossible it seems though ‘cause you’re away Gone indeed you are, making things turn to gray

Lian, it’s been a while, how have you been? You know what, last night I saw you guys in my dream. I was happy then ‘cause somehow I got to be with you once more You and some of the friends we use to have before In my dream, we were there basically laughing our wits out I watched you from near wanting to breathe my heart out Good old days are indeed good, aren’t they? I can’t believe it’s been years. It felt just like yesterday. It sounds stupid but sometimes I yearn to hide behind those memories Blind my eyes from the present and be oblivious of these miseries But bygones will be bygones. Friends come and go Well sometimes, they’re gone even before we know You know what I’m saying, it already happened before I moved on unaware that there will be a stupid encore Damn, how can someone say she’s a friend then just leave you? During the most critical times just turn back on you? Why is it that the people we love are the ones who often leave us with empty hands? Why can’t they stand by th

I noticed few weeks ago, Lee Young-Ae’s eyes are brown. Miss Lee btw plays the role of Jang Geum in a Korean series Jewel in the Palace. Actually, it’s the encore run that’s been showing as of this point but ehem… I must admit, I’m always looking forward to see that show. I’m beginning to like it but honestly my reason is personal. Miss Lee reminds me so much of someone… special. Will you burp if I say that she’s my dream girl? If yes then you can burp now because she is, in fact, my dream girl figuratively and literally. I’ve been longing to see that girls but the past few weeks have been my unlucky days when it comes to her. What’s left for me? Well… get by with y wishful thinking with the help of Miss Lee. I lie in solitude, is there someone out there?

Noong bata pa ako gusto ko maging piloto. Di ko maalala kung bakit. Siguro naadik lang ako sa mga technicolor superheroes lalo na sa mga super airships nila. Nasa gradeschool ako noon at sobra akong determinado. Kahit bata pa lang, alam ko na ang gusto ko kaya naman nag-aral ako nang mabuti... ok aamin na... di masyadong mabuti pero sapat na para makaipon ng 9 na kilong medalya(alam kong 9 na kilo yun, ipinatimbang ko kasi yun para sana ibenta sa junk shop kaya lang di tinanggap).nagtapos ako sa elementary nang may honor at mangilan-ngilang warnings mula sa Guidance Counselor namin. Ako yata ang isa sa mga buhay na irony. Dinala ko hanggang highschool ang pangarap kong yun subalit di nagtagal, ang pangarap kong maging piloto ay naging isang ilusyon na lang. Naininiwala ako na lahat ng pangarap ay nagkakatotoo, kailangan mo lang maniwala, umasa at magsikap para dito. Walang maliit o malaking pangarap, walang simple o komplikado, mahirap o madlai at kahit masama o mabuti-lahat pare-pare