BLOTS

Hiatus is over. Oh well, here's the time again when you feel like you have tons of things to say but you just don't know where to begin. Maybe it's your mind that's blocking you from doing so knowing that most things are better left unsaid.  Tik tak, the clock is ticking as if I can hear it tear down bits of me into small pieces. Crazy: I want to shut down my brain in a way that I won't be thinking of anything else other than the most basic things. I don't want to think of anything else if that would even be possible.  There's this thing called pain. As defined, pain is an unpleasant sensation often caused by intense or damaging stimuli. I guess there's really no need for any help to define the word anyway. People regard pain in so many different ways, but I see pain as breakfast (one that I take every waking hour).  **voice command*** BRAIN, SHUT DOWN. How I wish that would be possible. I wish for so many things. I'm hoping that some events didn'

It’s easy to correct your mistakes but what’s difficult is to accept that you screw up. I think in the last 26 years of my life, I’ve made major screw ups and most of the time I can’t seem to fix it. Now I realize, maybe one reason is I really can’t accept that I made mistakes in the first place. We always tend to justify the things we’re doing thinking that we’re better than what we really are. But I guess, the first step to fix the mess is to accept that you really screwed up.

I'll be on-leave from this blogsite to work on other stuff, LOL

It's been a little while since I've updated my blog. I don't know, maybe some things aren't really meant to be shared and must be kept to yourself. All I know is the past few days have been a bumpy ride but not necessarily something that I'm not enjoying. That's all I can say, I guess. Time will come that nature will put the things in their proper order as I once heard, the universe doesn't recognize right or wrong, all it cares for is how to maintain the balance. I'm in-love and I think I'll stay this way. (don't ask why suddenly say such, LOL)

It's been a little while since I've updated my blog. I don't know, maybe some things aren't really meant to be shared and must be kept to yourself. All I know is the past few days have been a bumpy ride but not necessarily something that I'm not enjoying. That's all I can say, I guess. Time will come that nature will put the things in their proper order as I once heard, the universe doesn't recognize right or wrong, all it cares for is how to maintain the balance. I'm in-love and I think I'll stay this way. (don't ask why suddenly say such, LOL)

We're all getting by We're all living by the day What matters is you survive I can't say it in any other way We're all getting by Life ain't so complicated We're all getting by Living a life we created

Couple of days ago, marked my 26 years of existence in this world, most people call it "birthday". My friends and some people I know sent me their greetings as part of the said tradition and most of them added "god bless" on their greetings. That got me thinking, god bless? Who would bless who? God blessing me? I don't believe in god but what I do believe is when people realize that you don't have the same thinking as theirs when it comes to the said matter, they start looking at you as if you're in need of some medication or enlightenment. Oh well, that's their belief anyway and I wish not to argue with the existence or non-existence of a divine creature or being, whatever sounds fit. One friend asked me, "What made you think that god doesn't exist?" I didn't answer, I just don't want to start a debate that neither of us will get convinced by the other, but I really felt like throwing the question back at her, "what made

July 28, 2011 - yes, I'm marking my 26th year of existence. Apart from it being listed on my birth certificate, I don't really celebrate this day that much. I appreciate though the first couple of greetings I got from Diahann, Aya and Celene, but then at around 7:20am, I received an IM from Muffin that says, "OMG! I almost forgot, happy birthday, Dave!" I don't know but I suddenly felt different, I felt unusual. I was happy. Following that was a guilty pleasure in form of a phone call. How come she's so surprised on me returning her message in form of a phone call? Maybe because she's somewhere too far. It only lasted for about 7 minutes but it was the best 7 minutes of my day so far. I miss hearing her voice and the sound of her laughter. It was really nice and there's nothing more I'll need today. This day is different from the others for today I feel unusually happy. Happy birthday to me then, I feel awesome!

Loneliness can strike anytime at any place. I've known that for quite a long time and have proven it based on personal encounters. Yet, now I feel it caught me with my guards down, I'm surprised. Why would you be bothered by a certain emotion you've been dealing with for quite a long time now? If you're used to it, why would it feel so troubling? See, sadness has been playing hardball with since Zeus knows when, and I have a strong feeling that I have gotten used to it to the point that it's not a big deal anymore, but now as it strikes again, it feels like something solid hits me. Oh well, I think we all just have to find our ways to get by, LOL

In this time when almost everything is done electronically, I sometimes feel the want of doing things the auld way. In the past few months I've been writing letters. Yes, love letters as I may say but never had any of them sent, LOL. Maybe, I'll just wait for the time when I'll send these in bulk, or maybe not. These letters aren't that mushy as we all may think of, just simple things, simple words, simple thoughts that I would've shared with Muffin if she's here. One day I hope she'll have a chance to read these.

For some reasons, I just have to take note of this date and the letters K, F and C :p

There will always be that someone whom you'll think you can get by without, whose absence is something you can get used to, but in the end, you'll end up yearning...longing...more than before. I guess that's just how it's going to be for me, so I'll give up on forgetting. I just can't...yet.

I guess everything, at some point, really reaches its end. It’s kind of sad but it seems that everything is just a matter of time and we all just tend to cling on past experiences that made us feel that those stuff are meant to last forever. I don’t want to be so cynical but reality bites, big time.

Sometimes, you feel so sad about your life you feel that nothing is making any sense at all, but still you do your best to keep your game face on and show to the world that you're doing just fine. For some reasons, there's just no way you can wear your heart off your sleeves. But don't you love it when you can just cry your emotions out with someone feeling secured that you'll not be ridiculed or judged? I think that's how most people get by -- they always have that someone who can pick them up when they're down or atleast give reasons to get up after falling. Maybe, just maybe.

“Everyone has a happy place.” I keep on remembering those words said by one of my closest friend before. Now, I realized that it has been a long while since I’ve been on my happy place. It’s a been quite a while since I felt that comfort of being somewhere you can breathe easily, some place where you can be at ease and not troubled by anything else. It’s been a while since I felt her presence, and yes, she’s my happy place. Any place where I can feel her, becomes somewhere special. I don’t know, I may be just a little crazy to be saying all these, or maybe I just miss her big time. Happy place.

Have you ever felt that there’s something wrong yet you can’t figure out what? As if there’s something trying to scratch its way out of your chest with sharp fingernails causing you a terrible pain that becomes so physical sometimes. Terrible. I guess that’s how to describe this. I feel awful, maybe this will pass, just maybe, or maybe not. I think I couldn’t care too much, as long as I get by each day, that’s what matters…for now.

Have you ever felt that there’s something wrong yet you can’t figure out what? As if there’s something trying to scratch its way out of your chest with sharp fingernails causing you a terrible pain that becomes so physical sometimes. Terrible. I guess that’s how to describe this. I feel awful, maybe this will pass, just maybe, or maybe not. I think I couldn’t care too much, as long as I get by each day, that’s what matters…for now.

Sometimes, being able to get by is one of the most surprising thing you’ll find in your life…to some, at least. A friend of mine said she’s having a good morning and I said in return, “good for you, most of the time, ‘good morning’ is just a spiel”.  She said I’m being so negative. I don’t know why I said that to be honest. Well, maybe because I’m being an arse. Hence I asked myself, when was the last time I said “good morning” in a way that I actually meant it? When was the last time I said “Oh I’m doing good” without me meaning otherwise? Oh well, I guess it has been a little while. See, being able to get by each day amid all the crap doesn’t mean that you’re getting by just fine. Maybe, you’re just getting by…and that’s it.

Today, I miss her more than how I did yesterday. It sucks, I know, but that's not the worst part, the worst part is the fact that there's nothing more to do to have the yearning be eased. Sometimes it happens, you end up longing for someone and that's it, that's the only thing you can do. Still, the yearning continues to burn like a fire that keeps you going...and possibly end up as the very same fire that will consume your sanity in the very end. I'm aware of the worst case scenario and yet, I still can't help but miss her...more than how I did yesterday. Muffin.

Sometimes, all you need to do is put up that game face so that nobody will recognize what's really wrong or how twisted you presently are. I guess that's one skill most of us have to master completely. This world, and life in whole, can definitely bring someone down, but as you get by each day, one important tool is not to show your soft spot, especially when it comes to a point that your ego is all you've got left. Who would want to see a miserable freak anyway? Nobody, I guess. There are so many things I can't understand at the present time. It's not good for acceptance begins with understanding. How can you expect to accept something to can't comprehend. For the time being, though, the wisest move is to get by each day, put that game face on and hope that the day after or the day after that will be something unusual. Monotony can be dreadful, believe me. I don't know. Maybe I'm not really making any sense as I type these words, but it's my blo

Now here's this feeling I just can't explain Whenever you smile Oh I forget my name Things go on slo-mo Colorful it became My heart skips faster Some say it's insane I guess I've fallen I've fallen for you I can't escape your charm Hits me through and through Now I must confess I can't get you off my mind You're all I can think of I think it's love I did find Yes I've fallen I've fallen for you Captive of your charm Got me through and through

I learned, first hand, that life can really bend someone down. Life can get so ugly but along with that lesson I learned one simple trick to get by i.e. always manage live another day.  No matter how pointless things get, no matter how random things appear against your favor, no matter how you feel awful about the string of events, just always be sure that you'll be able to get by the next 24hrs.  A come-what-may and live-by-the-day attitude might develop, but sometimes, those are what you'll ever need. Live another day. It feels like a command than a thought. Maybe, just maybe, tomorrow the tables will all turn.

It has been a gloomy week for me, and no wonder, it'll be a gloomy weekend, too. I don't know, for some reasons, things suddenly have gone from bad to worse and maybe it's fair to expect that the worse will even get worst in the next coming days. I always get by, anyway. That's one trick in life; no matter how depress you become, all you need to do is to live another day and hope that "the other day" will be a better one. So what would it be after this gloomy weekend that I foresee? I don't know. Birthday month is coming and I hope for just one thing... Just one...

Life will reveal its lessons when you're ready to learn. I don't know from where, but I'm sure I read that somewhere. Maybe that's just how life goes. It'll make you feel that you have so many things to know, so many things to understand yet it'll puzzle you day after day. There are so many things I can't understand as of this very moment, but it's now time to stop asking questions. Maybe, just maybe, the smartest move is to live by the day...

There’s nothing more to say There’s nothing more to do There’s just no other way I can no longer be with you You’ve gone too far away Somewhere I just can’t go Can’t ignore what the signs say There’s just too much to know Yet I can’t stop loving you No, it’s one thing I can’t resist Although you say you can’t love me too With you I still hope for bliss 08:54, Monday May 30, 2011 Manila, Ph

Finally I was able to update my Muffing Poetry. All of a sudden I felt a rush of longing and sadness, and so I was able to write this piece effortlessly… MaLaCor I saw you in my dream, oh how real it seemed but as I wake up to reality I felt nothing but grim You’ve been so far away I long for you each day and I wonder if you think of me as you go on to your own way I miss you more than before I feel I’m falling in love more and more but the hopes are fading now they begin to trot out of my door Will I ever be with you again How will this story end I guess I wouldn’t know some hearts can no longer mend May 16, 2011, 01:41am Manila, PH

There are lots of things that we keep only to ourselves not because we want to, but because we have to. There were times that the wisest thing to do is to keep your mouth shut. Silence is holy, that’s what Nick Sparks said in his novel The Notebook. Silence is indeed priceless, but time will come when all you’ll ever want is to break that very same silence you built around you. Damn, I’m caught in an ethical dilemma once again. The things that I want to say are the same things I’m doomed to keep as a secret. Oh well, one day I’ll write everything then I’ll seal it hoping one day, when I’m gone and she’s still around, she’ll finally know the things I’ve always wanted to say. One day…but not today. For now, I’m keeping my mouth shut.

Sometimes you fall in love and you fall so bad to realize that the only person you would want to love is the very same person you can’t be with. Then jealousy will come into play when you find out that she’s in-love with someone else. I guess that’s just normal. You love, you get hurt then life goes on, or so they say. However, there’s just some void you can’t fill. Sometimes, moving on isn’t really an option. There comes a time when all you want is to vanish just like that and take all the pain and hurting with you. I don’t know about you but what I know now is I’ve been missing “her” so bad. I think it’s more than a week since we last had a conversation, but lack of communication is not, and will never be, enough to make you forget someone you love the most. Perhaps, her absence is the void I won’t be able to fill.

I wonder if you’ll ever know how I really feel for you It’s hard to just let go when you’re feeling a love most true I wonder if you’ll ever see that you’re the air I breathe but then I’m smothered by reality that you’re the one I can’t be with My heart pounds my chest as if it’s wanting to get out Perhaps it can no longer rest when faith has been tarnished by doubt All the things I believe in Just seem so far away The same life that I’m dreaming might not see the breaking of new day So I guess you’ll never know how I really feel for you But it’s still hard to let go For I feel a love most true

My friend told me once that everyone has a happy place. A place where someone can breathe easily and forget all the worries in life. I believed her and I still do. Happy place. For a long time now I’ve been looking for my own happy place and after a long while, I think I found it. Everytime I feel Muffin’s presence, that very same place becomes my happy place. I feel like everything is possible and all crap will soon vanish into thin air. I feel like a child who found his relief in the comfort of his own home. I feel things, no matter how screwed up, will eventually fall into their rightful places. That is my happy place, a spot where I feel her presence no matter how far she really is. Happy place. It’s the only place where I would want to be right now but reality banised me. How funny it is to realize that the one thing that makes you happy is the very same thing that smothers you? I just can’t imagine how hilarious it can be. It’s a joke. A joke put on me no matter how

April 16th of 2010, exactly one year ago, I met the fairest girl I’ve ever seen. It was the day when I reached the borderline of my dreams and reality. It was so amazing and I had hope to seize that moment I spent with her.   I will always remember that day – that day when I felt the most innocent joy, the day when I felt that nothing is really impossible. When I saw her, my heart bounced like a jumping bean. I can’t contain my joy I almost had shouted out if I wasn’t able to control myself and kept my composure.  When she was locked in my arms, I was hoping for time to stop just like that…just like that. Now, a year after that blissful encounter, I’m here wishing for nobody but her. Wanting nothing else but to see her. Praying for only one thing, her love, as if praying is one of my thing. Oh how I miss Muffin.  I just miss her bad.  So bad.

Tinanong ako kanina nung kaibigan ko kung kamusta na ako, parang auto-response na yung “ok lang”. Akala ko yun na yun pero may follow up pa pala, biglang nagtanong ng, “gaano ba ka-ok ang ‘ok lang’?” Bigla akong natigilan. Bakit ba kasi may mga taong medyo mas mausisa pa sa pangkaraniwan, pero gaano nga ba talaga ka-ok ang “ok lang”? OK lang na nakakatulog ka pa sa gabi at gumigising sa umaga. OK lang na kapag nagutom ka may pagkain pa sa mesa at pag wala naman, may pera ka sa bulsa na pambili. OK lang na pag wala kang magawa, may dvd player ka at pc na mapaglilibangan. OK lang na pag nalulungkot ka, may mp3 collection ka ng Pantera, Sepultura, Metallica, Slayer, etc. OK lang naman. Ok lang. Minsan ok na talaga yung “ok lang”. Mas ok nga lang sana kung…wag na nga lang.

I was there, lying comfortably in front of my PC when it came out of nowhere! I was stunned. Speechless. Terrified. It looked me deep in the eye as if wanting to devour me and drag my remains to Hell or whatever damned place. I had to run. Run as fast as I can to escape its grasp but he found my weakest spot. And so there I was, helpless. I don’t know. How can it ruin such a nice conversation? How can it just throw me to Hell from my Happy Place? Jealousy is a fucking monster.

Yeah, I just made the word "untroubling", oh well. How much trouble do you have to get yourself into before it cease to bother you anymore?  I hope there's really that point when you couldn't care much anymore.  I think I'm in a deep trouble, so deep I feel suffocated just by the thoughts of it.  During these days I hope she's here.  I know it's like kid stuff but I really wish she's here, just here to feel at ease somehow. Oh well, that's a bit of insane thought anyway so I guess I'll just have to get by with other means.  Damn it gets harder everyday.

Read. Somebody might ask you what your favourite book is. Some people are too smart for their own good and so they tend to complicate simple things. Know your worth and you'll get what you deserve. Don't play with the light switch if you're afraid of the dark. Sleeping won't solve your problems, but it can recharge you to have the energy you need. Don't use the words "I'm busy" to the people you care about You can't choose if you'll fail or succeed, but you can always choose to try. It's fine to talk to dumb people as long as you won't expect them to comprehend. We're all created equal, it's our leverage that separates us from one another. If you think you're bigger than life, one day, someone will prove you wrong. Try to at least have 1:5 for the books you've read and the movies you've seen. There's a very fine line between being cautious and being paranoid. It's fine to make mistakes, but not learning from

It's been a little while since I last sat in front of a computer and blog my heart off my sleeves, LOL. So where to begin?  See, in the past couple of months I've been trying to avoid the mental activity of thinking. Whenever a thought crosses my mind, I drift away. Some people, to escape reality, eat a lot, some listen to loud music; as to me, I do both, haha! But today is a different day, I'm answering the call of thinking and I'm starting with the seemingly most overrated topic *drum roll* LOVE. Oh love is such a beautiful emotion a human can ever feel, yet sometimes loving someone so much can lead to most unimaginable pain. Don't burp, I know that's a way too mushy, hahaha! I guess it's safe to say that I'm in-love with someone. When a friend asks me, "Why can't you just let her go? Staying in-love with her ain't doing you any good," I must admit, I wasn't able to say anything to defend myself. Yeah, I was caught off guard t

The only sad part on having a very nice dream is the part when have to wake up. Lately, I've been seeing her in my dreams more often than the usual. I guess I'm really all about loving her now...which I'm not sure if a good thing or not... I guess I just have to keep on dreaming.

Now what? Here I am again, stuck in front of my computer trying to let the time pass. Just another day, just another effin moment when I'll be here thinking of you. I don't know, but maybe, just maybe, this is how it's really suppose to be, i.e. me spending the rest of the days longing for you. I can't seem to live a normal life without you, a real life without pretending to be fine, but dying won't do any good either. Definitely it can't bring me somewhere close to you. So what now? I don't know. I don't really know.

I want to steal your sadness and make it mine I'll be a thief in the night and be gone in no time For you deserve so much better So much better than this If only I can take your pain I would and turn it into bliss **another broken poem, perhaps