BLOTS

Sometimes you fall in love and you fall so bad to realize that the only person you would want to love is the very same person you can’t be with. Then jealousy will come into play when you find out that she’s in-love with someone else. I guess that’s just normal. You love, you get hurt then life goes on, or so they say. However, there’s just some void you can’t fill. Sometimes, moving on isn’t really an option. There comes a time when all you want is to vanish just like that and take all the pain and hurting with you. I don’t know about you but what I know now is I’ve been missing “her” so bad. I think it’s more than a week since we last had a conversation, but lack of communication is not, and will never be, enough to make you forget someone you love the most. Perhaps, her absence is the void I won’t be able to fill.

I wonder if you’ll ever know how I really feel for you It’s hard to just let go when you’re feeling a love most true I wonder if you’ll ever see that you’re the air I breathe but then I’m smothered by reality that you’re the one I can’t be with My heart pounds my chest as if it’s wanting to get out Perhaps it can no longer rest when faith has been tarnished by doubt All the things I believe in Just seem so far away The same life that I’m dreaming might not see the breaking of new day So I guess you’ll never know how I really feel for you But it’s still hard to let go For I feel a love most true

My friend told me once that everyone has a happy place. A place where someone can breathe easily and forget all the worries in life. I believed her and I still do. Happy place. For a long time now I’ve been looking for my own happy place and after a long while, I think I found it. Everytime I feel Muffin’s presence, that very same place becomes my happy place. I feel like everything is possible and all crap will soon vanish into thin air. I feel like a child who found his relief in the comfort of his own home. I feel things, no matter how screwed up, will eventually fall into their rightful places. That is my happy place, a spot where I feel her presence no matter how far she really is. Happy place. It’s the only place where I would want to be right now but reality banised me. How funny it is to realize that the one thing that makes you happy is the very same thing that smothers you? I just can’t imagine how hilarious it can be. It’s a joke. A joke put on me no matter how

April 16th of 2010, exactly one year ago, I met the fairest girl I’ve ever seen. It was the day when I reached the borderline of my dreams and reality. It was so amazing and I had hope to seize that moment I spent with her.   I will always remember that day – that day when I felt the most innocent joy, the day when I felt that nothing is really impossible. When I saw her, my heart bounced like a jumping bean. I can’t contain my joy I almost had shouted out if I wasn’t able to control myself and kept my composure.  When she was locked in my arms, I was hoping for time to stop just like that…just like that. Now, a year after that blissful encounter, I’m here wishing for nobody but her. Wanting nothing else but to see her. Praying for only one thing, her love, as if praying is one of my thing. Oh how I miss Muffin.  I just miss her bad.  So bad.

Tinanong ako kanina nung kaibigan ko kung kamusta na ako, parang auto-response na yung “ok lang”. Akala ko yun na yun pero may follow up pa pala, biglang nagtanong ng, “gaano ba ka-ok ang ‘ok lang’?” Bigla akong natigilan. Bakit ba kasi may mga taong medyo mas mausisa pa sa pangkaraniwan, pero gaano nga ba talaga ka-ok ang “ok lang”? OK lang na nakakatulog ka pa sa gabi at gumigising sa umaga. OK lang na kapag nagutom ka may pagkain pa sa mesa at pag wala naman, may pera ka sa bulsa na pambili. OK lang na pag wala kang magawa, may dvd player ka at pc na mapaglilibangan. OK lang na pag nalulungkot ka, may mp3 collection ka ng Pantera, Sepultura, Metallica, Slayer, etc. OK lang naman. Ok lang. Minsan ok na talaga yung “ok lang”. Mas ok nga lang sana kung…wag na nga lang.

I was there, lying comfortably in front of my PC when it came out of nowhere! I was stunned. Speechless. Terrified. It looked me deep in the eye as if wanting to devour me and drag my remains to Hell or whatever damned place. I had to run. Run as fast as I can to escape its grasp but he found my weakest spot. And so there I was, helpless. I don’t know. How can it ruin such a nice conversation? How can it just throw me to Hell from my Happy Place? Jealousy is a fucking monster.

Yeah, I just made the word "untroubling", oh well. How much trouble do you have to get yourself into before it cease to bother you anymore?  I hope there's really that point when you couldn't care much anymore.  I think I'm in a deep trouble, so deep I feel suffocated just by the thoughts of it.  During these days I hope she's here.  I know it's like kid stuff but I really wish she's here, just here to feel at ease somehow. Oh well, that's a bit of insane thought anyway so I guess I'll just have to get by with other means.  Damn it gets harder everyday.